Why me? We think as we lie on our beds in tears. I’m nice, I’m relatively good looking, I’m ambitious, and more to the point I did everything for him. How could he do this to me? What’s wrong with me? We’ve all been there, right? Heartbreak Hotel, as John Mayer would call it; the shittiest hotel in the world.
“He doesn’t deserve you.” friends will say, “You’ll find someone better, someone who appreciates you.” But if that’s true then why doesn’t he want me? “Learn from your mistakes”, they tell us as we rack our brains at every possible thing we could have done differently. “Don’t let the past define you.”, others will sat in complete contradiction.
They’re right, I do deserve more, prince Charming is still out there! We finally convince ourselves, so we dust ourselves off and soldier on, putting aside our pain and insecurities and slowly placing our trust into the next guy who catches our attention. This time will be different, our hearts tell our heads as we fight against our gut instincts to run.
And maybe for sometimes it does work out, but I don’t know about you guys but ive had the worst luck over the last few years. And it was only whilst watching someone else’s infidelity in Bacalar that think I finally figured out why.
“You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over.” Richard Branson
I thought I would share the story about one of the four loves of my lives. Let’s call him John (not that he deserves a fake name). I was 23 and I’d just moved to London where I was working in marketing, and the story went a little like this: Boy sees girl. Boys likes girl. Boy facebooks girl (to Facebook is a verb, right?). Girl ignores boy. Girl’s Boss bigs up boy (they were friends). Girl not interested in boy. Boy starts calling girl (thanks for giving him my number, Boss). Boy gives final Facebook plea to girl. Girl takes pity on boy and meets boy for a drink. Girl falls for boy (there were many wonderful dates in between, it’s not that easy). Girl feels wonderful and stable with boy who adores her. Girls tells boy he’s amazing. Boy tells girl… He’s not over his ex girlfriend. CRASH! BOOM! POW! There we have it, the first emotional explosion that shattered what was really quite a lovely love story.
If only that was the end of it. It would be enough for most people, but I was so certain *John* was right for me. So shocked that the man who whisked ME off my feet was having doubts (how dare he!), that I decided to wait by his side. In fact, I encouraged him to meet his ex-girlfriend (an actress from New York) and so he took a flight to a America to discover if the memories of perfect Kate were just nostalgia.
And sure enough, three torturous weeks later he returns and reassures me that what we have is greater than anything he ever had with Kate. But two weeks later he was cheating on me with a supermodel in South Africa. Only I didn’t know that yet… In fact I wouldn’t know for another four months, and only after doing that crazy-phone-detective-thing that no girl ever likes to admit to doing. I did it because I could sense something was wrong and he wouldn’t talk to me. I discovered that not only had he cheated, but he but he was still texting said-supermodel and arranging to fly her to London and then to Paris for the weekend. Needless to say we broke up. .
I’d love to say that it was the final time I had my heart-broken, but it wasn’t. That pitiful unrequited love story dragged on for a year and a half, and in hindsight it might have been the catalyst for the series of heartbreaks that followed. I had lost my confidence meaning I became guarded and also probably became desperate for approval and love. This meant that I would act closed and uncommunicative on the outside, whilst inside I was still the same hopeless romantic terrified of being hurt.
And so it whilst sitting on a deck in Bacalar, aware of someone else’s infidelity that I began to reflect on my own bad luck in love. Yes people can be unfaithful and love can be unrequited, but if I had really loved myself I could have avoided the prolonged pain and suffering by not making excuses for people. I should have walked away from John the moment i said I love you and he replied with the words I think I love Kate. Suffering in love does not prove how much you love someone, it only proves how little you love yourself. Yes I would have had to check in to Heartbreak Hotel for a while, but I could have saved myself the drama and prolonged suffering by knowing my worth.
Being closed and guarded would not protect me from heartbreak, but it might prevent me from finding love. And you know what? Our friends are right, we do deserve more, and I’m not going to be a martyr to love and make excuses any longer.